She never belonged anywhere, not even at home.
Her parents split when she was young. She grew up in two opposing households, which meant two sets of rules to follow, two separate masks to wear. She was a chameleon, a code-switcher, a shape-shifter.
As a result, she suffered extreme self-doubt and was often confused, anxious and sad, wondering why she always felt awkwardly out of place.
She never learned to be herself. She never learned that being herself was actually OK.
She never learned what it meant to be truly seen and heard. And held in unconditional love, deep respect and admiration.
Instead, she learned what it meant to be seen as the outsider. The one who didn’t fit. The one who didn’t belong.
As a sensitive and empathic kid, she found herself managing her parents’ emotions.
She found out, years later, that she never got to have a real childhood. With real play. And real self-discovery.
Over time, she got sick of trying to prove her worth to a world that couldn’t see her. Couldn’t hold her heart. Couldn’t cheer her on, or share her vision for her life.
She got sick of turning over stones to find herself, her true north.
She got sick of wandering in the desert. Alone.
She got sick.
Does this resonate with you?
So many of my clients have experienced some sort of attachment disorder. To simplify, this is when your primary caregiver (usually your mom) is unable to hold you and form a close physical bond with you in the first year or two of your life.
While there are many reasons why this may happen, in my experience, it often is a result of intergenerational trauma. And it’s quite pervasive in western culture.
Attachment disorder can wreak havoc in your intimate relationships. But it also makes having a relationship with yourself equally (if not more) difficult.
A lack of safe attachment leads to a sense of not belonging that can linger over your lifetime.
When you don’t feel like you belong, you don’t learn to follow your intuition or the guidance of your heart.
You don’t know where to find your place in the world. And you’ll often struggle with ongoing self-doubt and worthiness demons.
The world feels like an unfriendly place when you don’t feel you can trust yourself, your partners, your friends, your family.
But what if it truly is a friendly place? What if the Universe really does have your back?
P.S. There is a place where you can show up as you are, be loved as you are, and give love as you are. It’s in my private online community: Sacred Sanctuary. This love-filled, energy-rich space is offered by application only. Reach out if you’d like to know more.